Thursday, December 17, 2009

#55

Frances Cole Jones, corporate coach and author of The Wow Factor, was writing about YouGov's published list of the "Ten Worst Business Phrases". She decided to make a list of her own. Here's the article: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/worklife/12/16/cb.worst.phrases.work/index.html.

This princess' favorite in Ms. Jones' list is "past history". Here's the corporate coach's rationale for her choice: "This one drives me wild every time I hear it, "Well, based on past history ..." History is, by definition, something that occurred in the past, so why on earth say "past"?" This princess may have some insight into why this phrase is used. The humans who use it feel it has a distinguishing capability. Since we all know history repeats, it's very important to separate "past history" from "present and future history".

It's interesting how pet peeves occur concerning words, phrases, and their usage . What may be correct and proper usage for one group is anathema for another. One woman's word trash is another man's treasure trove.

For example, this princess personally knows a heterosexual couple who together compiled a list of phrases "we will NEVER use". Two of the phrases were "It's all good" and "I hear you". It's perfectly understandable why they wouldn't as they have no real need for these phrases. Since necessity is the mother of invention, who NEEDS these phrases and WHY did they get invented?

In the case of "It's all good" and "I hear you", it's buddies who need this language, especially those involved in a bromance (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bromance). By definition, it's a non-sexual but intimate relationship between two or more men. So how do these men create heterosexually acceptable homointimacy? It's the phrases! They create "the bond". To illustrate this point, here's a hypothetical bromance version of "When Harry Met Sally", aptly titled "When Harry Met Sully". The caveat: the only similarity between the real vs. the hypothetical movie is the title. Here are a couple of sample scenes:

Scene 1: Harry and Sully are on the road in Harry's truck headed to a secret fishing destination.

Harry says, "Dang it Sully, I forgot the live bait. I just tied a new fly though."

Sully replies, "It's all good"

Thus, their friendship is strengthened while their fishing trip is also saved.

Scene 2: Harry and Sully are fishing.

While they quietly cast and reel in a fish or two, Sully pipes up, "Fishin's not too shabby today."

Harry replies, "I hear you".

The male bonding continues.

From these two scenes it's safe to say Harry and Sully are well on their way to a perfectly acceptable bromance while using perfectly acceptable phrases to get them there. Ain't life grand?

Thus, Ms. Cole Jones and discerning heterosexual couples everywhere may realize that the turn of a phrase may have an applicable direction to be turned other than down (pun totally intended). Form follows function in this life, the Universe, and everything.



Friday, November 6, 2009

#53

Motive is an interesting concept in this life, the Universe, and everything. So what prompted a driver to display an "I am still a virgin" bumper sticker on the tail end of an SUV? Speaking of tail and lack therof, what was the drive to display this information? And were any emotions involved? There was no punctuation to give hints so here are some thoughts:

They're proud and wanted to share - "Bully for me!!!!" (spoken in a bullish British accent)

They're unsatisfied and requesting help (listed phone number recommended).

They're surprised and exclaiming as in "I can't believe it's not butter!!!"

They're puzzled, the milder version of surprise - "Really? I am still a virgin? How did that happen.......or not?"

They're overwhelmed and pleading - "I am still a virgin and there are so many fish in the sea I just don't know where to begin!!"

They're angry and wanted to vent - "I am still a virgin and I darn well wouldn't be if it weren't for my face and awkward social skills!"

They're amused and wanted to spread the cheer - "I'm still a virgin. Isn't that hilarious? Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!"


Maybe they thought this was an interesting conversation piece...Or they knew some people keep a mental list of things that make us go 'hmmm'...Or they psychically tuned into this princess' desire to find interestingly curious human behavior and thought "I have just the thing for her!! I'll plant this bumper sticker on the tail of my SUV so she'll wonder about my motive for announcing my lack of tail". One never knows and maybe that's half the fun!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

#52

The astute may have noticed a long absence. As we all encounter in this life, the Universe, and everything this princess has suffered a personal tragedy. Alyssa, a very close friend of the family and bright young woman who was an actress and comedian passed away unexpectedly from complications of leukemia and pneumonia on September 1st, 2009 at the age of 19. She had been battling cancer since the end of December 2008. This post is to honor her, another comic princess who now tickles the funny bones of the angels. Here's an off-the-cuff improv video performance recorded in the summer of 2008:



video

She is missed dearly by her family and friends. Thankfully her humor lives on.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

#54

"5 a Day" is an American saying to help folks remember to eat right. However, it's sorely lacking in marketing skills. Where's the sizzle in that phrase? It's competing against some great jingles. Even in the old days Dunkin' Donuts had a slam dunk (pun intended) with the happy tune "Give somebody Dunkin' Donuts...get some lovin' back". This princess would pick lovin' over 5 a day any day in this life, the Universe, and everything. So how can we bring back the sizzle and make good nutrition fo shizzle? Here are some possibilities:


  • Bring the sexy back - not that it was ever there in nutritional food, but ya gotta start somewhere. Here's a sample: "Bone up on bone health with these sultry sardines. They're so luscious you'll be screaming for more!" Yeah, that's the ticket.

  • Create an air of mystery: "On a dark and stormy night as a wolf howled furtively at the moon, the mangoes arrived at the scene of the crime."

  • Create a sense of adventure: "Look at those carrots rappelling down that cliff!!! I want one!"

  • Create a sense of vivaciousness: "Turnips have such verve! Try one today!"

So there may be hope to spice up the enticement for good nutrition. Little do Americans realize there may be a sultry sardine, mysterious mango, adventurous carrot, or a turnip with verve lurking in their kitchen!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

#51

Sense and sensibility; sense and sensitivity; sensei, sensibility, and sensitivity - yes, it's amazing what a little vowel and consonant placement will create in this life, the Universe, and everything. Associations and connotations change. Vowels and consonants in the mix:
  • Does a sensei with sensibility and sensitivity really give 2 cents? What's the sense in that?
  • Sled and sledge are one and the same thing. Sled is American and sledge is British. They're both sleighs, except sledge sounds like it rammed into a piece of gooey fudge at the bottom of the hill. America 1 Britain 0.
  • With salability the question is "Can we sell it?" while sanability asks "Can we cure it?". Well, yeah if it's cowhide.

Fun with wordplay, connotations, and associations - what more could a princess ask for? A lot actually, but this one knows that too much royal haughtiness invites instant humility. It's inadvisable to ask Marie Antoinette her opinion on the matter as she lost her head over it.




Friday, August 14, 2009

#50

The number 50 is an interesting number in this life, the Universe, and everything. It is a milestone number in various ways. Let us count them:


  • The 50th wedding anniversary is the "Golden Anniversary" while Simon and Garfunkel advise that there are "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover". Is this a golden opportunity?
  • A Wikianswer states the number 50 represents power and celebration in the Bible. So that's why some women call hot flashes power surges!
  • Wikipedia says "Fifty is the smallest number that can be written as the sum of two squares in two distinct ways: 50 = 12 + 72 = 52 + 52". So when this princess turns 50 can she say "It's hip to be square!"?

The fun of fifty - is it endless? It is when a person hits sixty, but then a new door opens to another kind of fun. Though the decade changes at least the fun can be never ending!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

#49

Demiurge, demitasse, Demi Moore: what do these nouns have in common beside "demi"? In this life, the Universe, and everything the definition of demiurge is funny in and of itself. Check it out:


–noun
1. Philosophy.
a. Platonism. the artificer of the world.
b. (in the Gnostic and certain other systems) a supernatural being imagined as creating or fashioning the world in subordination to the Supreme Being, and sometimes regarded as the originator of evil.
2. (in many states of ancient Greece) a public official or magistrate.



So politicians fall next in line after the originator of evil...hmmm. So if guilty by association is the order of the day, is it evil to drink a demitasse? But then again demitasse in French literally means half-cup so does this free associate to "half-urge" in English; thus, making public officials (in the Greek sense anyway) only half evil? And where does Demi Moore figure into all this? Since "half" is a connection, let's go with Demi and numbers in her life. Well, she did cut her birth name in half by the number of letters (Demetria = 8; Demi = 4----> 8 * 1/2 = 4!). Sometimes we just gotta do the math! And no, Ashton isn't half her age. Betcha thought that was the tack!

So words, meanings, connections, associations - free, guilty, or otherwise all contribute to the fun. All this talk has given this princess a demiurge for a blueberry sweet treat. Since it's only half evil via justification by semi-analytical rationalization she'll thoroughly enjoy it!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

#48

A euphemism is a way to say something nicely in this life, the Universe, and everything. It's a kinder, gentler, more indirect way to describe a person, situation, or anything, really, than to call a spade a spade. Speaking of that, Bob Barker would remind you to spay or neuter your pets at this point, but since he retired this princess will ask "Have you thought of pet care lately?"

Some possible euphemisms:
  • A "person of ill repute" is a nice way of calling someone a skank.
  • He "passed away" is so much nicer than "he croaked".
  • She "tripped the light fantastic" is a gentle description of - wait, what does that mean?! Oh it's about being a nimble dancer! What's so unpleasant about that?! This situation then needs to be described as "disappointing" rather than an "epic fail"!

So when one is out in polite, genteel society it's a good idea to keep a clever euphemism in one's back pocket, at hand, or up one's sleeve as the case may warrant. One never knows when he needs to describe delicately!

Monday, August 10, 2009

#47

Variety is the spice of life. Language is one of the spices in this life, the Universe, and everything. Here are some curious examples:
  • One can either have peace of mind or give someone a piece of their mind (that'd be tricky especially with no prior surgical experience).
  • The glass is half full or half empty is irrelevant to certain mothers, "Just drink it! There are starving kids in Africa!"
  • "Never say never" is a common phrase that's already contradicted itself twice.
  • If someone wants to "throw his weight around" does he have to "get his pound of flesh" first?

Though no specific spicy language is used above, variety is present. Thus, by association the spice of life is as well. Ah yes, language peppered with some sort of analysis. Yum! Yum!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

#46

Good vs. evil, balancing the yin and yang, embracing the dark side, sinners and saints are all concepts that boggle the mind. Sometimes a girl just can't keep up! What does it all mean? What is our meaning and purpose? This princess is indebted to Douglas Adams. His supercomputer character, Deep Thought discovered after 7 1/2 million years of computing that the answer to The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 42. Sadly, The Ultimate Question is still unknown. Thankfully though, curious minds can still explore and ask. Thankfully also, ALL can be explored. From the intense to the inane, inquiring minds want to know. Hey, it beats being mired in existential angst! So what are some possibilities for The Ultimate Question?
  1. What does 6x7 equal?
  2. In his song, Blowin' In the Wind, Bob Dylan asked, "How many roads must a man walk down/Before you call him a man?"
  3. If a woman was born in 1967, how old will she be in 2009?

42 is the plausible answer to all of these Ultimate Questions. However, the woman in Ultimate Question #3 may have her own solution. So there's actual hope for those pondering life and all its questions whether ultimate or not so. Now finding it may be another matter! Hope! Hope! Here Hope! Where are you?!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

#45

This princess believes she doesn't like the new American dating rules (or lack thereof) in this life, the Universe, and everything. It used to be the men would court the women and they'd have the nerve to initiate the process, but nowadays it seems the men have no nerve other than to stare. How can the modern male be helped to start the chase? Here are some possible solutions:
  • They could mimic the outspread wing stance of the wandering albatross. That'll get a girl's attention.
  • They could don a foreign accent. True story: One drunk Englishman told this princess his accent is a "babe magnet".
  • They could show their feminine side and ask for help. The grocery store is a great place to start. Once the attractive lady is spotted the suitor sidles up to her and asks, "Do you think I should get these non-organic grapes? Does the good of the flavanoids outweigh the bad of the sulfites?" She'll admire his nutritional knowledge and be pleased by his deference to her own keen sense of nutrition. It's win-win!

So there's help and hope out there for the American male who has failure to launch issues. Think of the possiblities guys!

Friday, July 31, 2009

#44

Saving face - now that's an interesting phrase in this life, the Universe, and everything. What are we saving our faces for anyway? A rainy day? You mean we can't use them in the here and now? And what about other interesting phrases? Here are some to ponder:


  • "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched" --> Actually, they're eggs so there you go!

  • "Making whoopie" --> This one is actually incomplete. It should read "making whoopie pies", which, actually, is not enigmatic at all. Mmmm whoopie pies!

  • Though "tripping the light fantastic" was used disappointingly in the previous post, this princess will attempt to "save face" by discussing it again. Okay, so it's a way of saying someone is "light on his toes" or dances nimbly, but who knows, the 1960s hippies may have had their own definition!

Interesting phrases make language interesting to say the least. Enough said.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

#43

Men, women, friendship, family, faith, and country are all examples of entities to whom humans can express love in this life, the Universe, and everything. Songs have sung the praises of love, mostly of the romantic variety. Here are some titles:


  • "Love is a many splendored thing" --> Surprise runs amok in the marketing world that the Splenda brand hasn't capitalized on this song. Then again, maybe not.

  • "All you need is love" --> Tell that to the unemployed guy who owes 2 months back rent.

  • "Love lifts us up where we belong" --> Will it work for females with gravity issues?

  • "Baby I love your way" --> Remember that when she insists on another addition to the house!

Though romantic love songs can clash with some hard situations of life, it doesn't stop them from being written or sung. As the title of Sister Maura Eichner's poetry book suggests Hope is a Blind Bard. This princess says "keep on singing"!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

#42

Paradox. This word alone is interesting in this life, the Universe, and everything. This is what http://dictionary.reference.com/ has to say about this word:

–noun
1.a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth.
2.a self-contradictory and false proposition.
3.any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature.
4.an opinion or statement contrary to commonly accepted opinion.

This princess thinks the above definition is a paradox! A paradoxical statement is intrinsically funny. Here are some examples:
  • Nobody shops at that store. It's too crowded.
  • Oscar Wilde said, "I can resist anything except temptation."
  • It's raining cats and dogs. Oh wait, that's a metaphor! Or is it? Back in the day of the thatched roof small animals would gather in the thatch for warmth, but when it rained heavily water seeped in and the poor critters would lose their grip and fall; thus, "it's raining cats and dogs" happened quite literally. Maybe it is a paradox because it was literally true then, but isn't now (certainly not in certain parts of the world anyway). It just may qualify under meaning #1 re: absurd and being a possible truth in parts of the world that have thatched roofing, warm rooms, cats and dogs in the house, and heavy rains.

This princess enjoys the amusing aspect of paradox. Though mind-boggling and head-spinning to think too much about, this brief foray has been interesting and fun. For the most part though, this princess will stick to her daily routine of coffee with cream and no paradox thank you.

Friday, July 24, 2009

#41

If a redneck lives in a red state, what is he called if he lives in a blue state, a blueneck? Red state, blue state, yuppie, Millenial, Baby Boomer, fundamentalist, metrosexual, and many other labels and categories exist in this American life, the Universe, and everything. Is it a safety mechanism to apply these labels? Is labelling good, bad, or indifferent? Here are some perspectives on labels and categories:
  • The Millenial Generation is also called Gen Y. Now there's talk of the next Generation being named Gen Z. Since Z is the last letter in the English alphabet there may be a problem for the following generation. Yeah, it's called global warming.
  • Metrosexual was coined for the man who wanted to be more fashionable and also concerned with his image regardless of his sexual orientation. Some marketing types thought they'd coin "ubersexual" to "straighten out" the metrosexual and hearken back to the "traditional male" prototype while still tapping into the consumerism piece. Seems all a bit too confusing. There are no straight answers here.
  • Religion doesn't have the corner on the market of fundamentalism. According to dictionary.com another meaning of the word is "strict adherence to any set of basic ideas or principles". So scientists, politicos, businesses, and each one of us individually can be a fundamentalist either in our global world view or one or more areas of our existence. "Strict" reminds of "stricture". Both words are based on the Latin strictus, past participle of stringere, which means to "draw tight". One of the meanings of stricture is "an abnormal contraction of any passage or duct of the body". The alimentary canal, "a tubular passage functioning in the digestion and absorption of food and the elimination of food residue, beginning at the mouth and terminating at the anus" is one such passage. What happens if this passage were to "draw tight" all along its passageway? Yeah, a bunch of tight asses who are full of it!

So it seems possibly irrelevant, confusing, and against the flow if humans get too caught up in using and living labels. Just as the human body works to maintain homestasis, a state of balance, it behooves the human outlook to engage thus as well. So let's keep what works and throw the garbage out.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

#40

Since this princess believes in equal opportunity she's decided to feature all the funny ladies lookin' for love on Craigslist. She personally didn't know love hangs out there amidst the blenders and the pervs, but one never knows in this life, the Universe, and everything. These are from the "best of" section on Craigslist:

  • Was that your limb? - w4m I was running to catch the 9 train, early in the morning tuesday. Apparently I wasn't the only one: I saw you down the subway stop ahead of me. You were sprinting, and collided with a support column. Your prosthetic arm flew off, and you kept running.
    You made the train, and I did not. All that was left was your lovely arm, glistening from the summer humidity. It smelled of pine and saddleneck oil.
    I have it now, in my living room. It's sitting in a hallway basket, with some umbrellas and a digeridoo. Contact me: I'd like to meet the rest of you.
    -Susan
  • This ad from a Canadian woman is too long for this tiny blog. The title should give you an idea of her intent - Lets Trade Places: Married for Single Life - w4mw. This section discusses what the prospective, willing, married trade woman should expect: "My Life: You would be trading your married life for an apartment in Yaletown and a Mini. I have a group of girl friends who you would spend most of your time with doing activities such as exercising, eating out, dinner parties, movie nights, shopping, and so on. They will help to set you up on a series of first dates (what happens there is up to you). You can use the in-suite gym and swimming pool, and would have access to my wardrobe (size four). My mother will call you every second day and discuss how your younger sister has the most beautiful child and husband, and then move on to how disappointing it is that you cannot find a man to settle down with. You can be quite sure that a series of ex-boyfriends will call you up between the hours of 12am and 3 on the weekends (again, what happens there is up to you). " For more of her fun, check here: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1230203861.html
  • Why don't I ever have a Missed Connection? - w4m Everywhere I go, I scan my surroundings and wonder if someone is secretly plotting a CL (craigslist) missed connection post for me. "We locked eyes briefly at the CVS as you were picking out those heavy flow tampons. You smiled at me so innocently. If this is you tell me what I was wearing" Nothing. I drive down the interstate and look in all the cars and then come home to check CL to see if anyone missed a connection with the "Sexy dark haired girl in the Honda going towards the Philly International Aiport on I95, you eyeballed me and picked your nose. I want to take you out." Still nothing. I get up every day, shower, get dressed and go out just so someone can miss a connection and look for me on CL. Don't approach me in public. I'm waiting for you here.

So funny ladies exist in the craigslist domain of this world. Maybe they weren't really lookin' for love, but the humor in the process of lookin' for love on craigslist. Just a humble observation from a not always astute princess!




Wednesday, July 22, 2009

#39

Many humans like to add humor to their daily business in this life, the Universe, and everything. Here are some examples:
  • There is a cool trailer called the Snack Shack near the ferry terminal in Islesboro, Maine (and yes this princess enjoys the food too!). In addition to fun 1950s art posters and other sundry amusements, the owners have this cute, little, professionally painted sign as a reminder to parents: Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy.
  • In a coed bathroom at a state government office building in Maine, a woman placed a notice above a toilet in the bathroom. It read, "WOMEN USE THIS BATHROOM TOO GENTLEMAN PLEASE, PUT THE SEAT DOWN AFTER YOU HAVE FINISHED" It seems a man felt the need to share his perspective as well. His sign read, "MEN USE THIS BATHROOM TOO LADIES PLEASE, PUT THE SEAT UP WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED"
  • Churches can have funny sayings posted on their outdoor signs. One such saying, "Lead me not into temptation I can find it myself."
  • Another church posted this: "DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY WELCOME YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN"

So there are varied ways to keep it interesting and blow off some steam when it involves the human condition. Even though no one gets out alive, we can have fun doing it while we're here.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

#38

Webposting commenters say the darndest things in this life, the Universe, and everything. Here is a story that offers perspective on the human condition in and of itself in one culture with the perspective of readers' comments who belong to a completely different culture.


This princess can relate to the story in terms of taking action. Several beloved flowering plants were stolen and her family garden was raided of vegetables on two separate occasions. Though she knew no perpetrator would be caught she still enlisted the police for help so that she felt some sense of power in the situation. She views the following story in this light:


On July 15th, 2009 CNN reported that "A family in Saudi Arabia has taken a genie to court, alleging theft and harassment, according to local media.

The lawsuit filed in Shariah court accuses the genie of leaving them threatening voicemails, stealing their cell phones and hurling rocks at them when they leave their house at night, said Al-Watan newspaper....

"We have to verify the truthfulness of this case despite the difficulty of doing so," Sheikh Amr Al Salmi, the head of the court, told Al-Watan. "What makes this case and complaint more interesting is that it wasn't filed by just one person. Every member of the family is part of this case."

...In Islamic cultures, a belief in genies, or jinns, is common. Genies not only appear in pre-Islamic fiction such as "Arabian Nights," but are also mentioned in the Quran. Many Saudis believe invisible genies live among them and are capable of demonic possession and revenge."


Here are the comments:
  • This gave me the idea of suing the tooth fairy. I don't feel she gave me enough money for my teeth when I was younger.
  • I understand where they're coming from.....i tried suing Santa Claus for slander and failure to fulfill a contract when i was good all year but he brought me coal anyway....turns out, we dont have an extradition agreement with the North Pole....for me to have any shot at winning they have to catch him the breaking the law here in the states and hold him for trial....well....wtf is sliding down people's chimneys if not breaking and entering?....tell me he's not speeding when he's making his rounds......must have SOME radar detector to avoid all the speed traps....and what about cruelty to the reindeer?....think he's not taking a little nip of the eggnogg every now and then to keep warm?.....one simple DUI arrest and i'm golden. Just more proof.....the rich get more "equal" justice than the rest of us.
  • Wish Number One: I wish you'd stop throwing stones at us.
  • Why would they want to sue Jeannie? She is such a lovable genie. Sure, she gets Major Nelson into trouble every now and then, but she does her best to bail him out, too.
  • Well they should sue! I hope they win and get MILLIONS in invisible money from that good for nothing Genie! Get it for everything it has.
  • Dont tell me?.....They must have rubbed the Genie the wrong way!
  • What I'd like to know is how they're going to collect from a jinn when I can't even collect child support.

Just goes to show that everyone's a comic, intentional and otherwise. As is evident, commenters say the darndest things!

Monday, July 20, 2009

#37

Craigslist is more than a resource for philanderers, blenders, perverts, apartments, and alleged creepy pre-med predators. That's right folks! In this life, the Universe, and everything it also gives a good laugh! Here are some examples of humor:
  • "looking to be entertained? To control what you want to see? Need house servant at girls get together? Cute guy in apron here, at your service!!" Some guys will do anything for attention!
  • "Nice Guy Recipe:
    4 cups college cheese; 1 pealed professional pear; 1 Tbsp. aged rocknroller horse radish; 1/4 cup kayak ketchup; 1 6oz package of camping croutons; 2 mildly apolitical peppers; 1 epistemological eggplant; 1 750ml bottle of Kant's Categorical Imperative Pino Grigio, or 2 pints boastful beer or self deprecating Twisted Tea; 1 1b. 85% Ground Beef ; 1 bunch of geeky grapes; 1 stick of salted witty repartee; a pinch of existentialist poppycock. Remove croutons from baggage. Simmer peppers on lo gear Wrangler, do not cover. Mix pears with other like minded fruits. marmalade with sugar, spice, whatever's um..ya.. Bake beef into loaf at 420F or form beef into punny patties for grilling . Throw out vile and expired college cheese. Drink Pino Grigio while cooking instead of with meal, avoid discussing Emmanuel Kant. Add eclectic interests to taste. Serve with stable salad. Open to salt and pepper. No expectations on servings." Some guys will cook up anything for attention!
  • "Sick of Frat boys? Emo boys? Spikey-haired pretty-boys? Guys who are good in bed? Manly men? Then why not try me, the studly and socially introverted quivering mass of man meat? Weighing in at only 160 pounds, I can be stored safely in large suitcases or spandex undershorts, and my good understanding and use of both the English and French languages means that I can be a handy, albeit somewhat bulky travel dictionary! (note: do not actually try to read me, that's just disgusting). My sexual history is spotty at best, my performances remain to this day unrated or spoken of by partners (and believe me, all two of them remain very tight-lipped), and my appearance is average. There is absolutely nothing outstanding about me aside from an insatiable urge to fiddle with shit and a good vocabulary. Hobbies include: - Digital art - Musicianing (its a word, i think... i play the musician, and very well i might add!) - Chronic masturbation (might as well be honest, right ladies?) - Ham gargling - More! If anything, this ad must have at least shown you that there is one honest person left on this earth. Someone who is not afraid to tell you that you might very well resemble a trout, without the awkward backtracking to some bullcrap story about how trouts are very noble and colorful fish. No Trout are ugly Get over it. Any ladies interested? Then look at the below pictures and tell me that to my inbox! (since currently, telling me to my face is a physical impossibility) PS: Please, no vegans, hippies, people who do not bathe, vegetarians, girls who wear pajama bottoms in public, anyone who uses the word "spork" to be random, people who are fans of Jhonen Vasquez, Jhonen Vasquez himself, anyone who has ever or thinks they might someday tout sex as a weapon, trout, other forms of fish." This princess happens to think trout are very pretty, especially the rainbow variety. The nobility aspect is dodgy though. Some guys will reference trout for attention!
  • One creative young man posted a pic of a blue and white blanket fort he created. Here's his story, "Come let us frolic in my totally dope blanket fort": "Yes, I know what you’re saying, “dude, that blanket fort sucks.” That would not be the first time I’ve heard such short-sighted criticism. Its structural integrity is dubious at best and there isn’t a whole lot of headroom. But c’mon, it’s not like I’m a freakin’ architect or anything. Besides, this little baby is just a prototype. I have vast resources of cushions for anchoring and blankets in order to maximize square footage. My living room is just waiting to be turned into a totally sweet labyrinth of love. I am very open to suggestions in respect to design and construction, as I’d like this fort to be a shared vision. Much like the Taj Mahal, its intended that this little beauty will be inspired by a very special lady. Once our shelter is erected, we can move in and work on some of our higher order needs. Or we could just order a pizza and tell ghost stories. Please email me with a picture if you want to be invited to this living room party. It will be sweet. PS: I’m allowed to have sleepovers." Some guys will build anything for attention!

So there it is! Comedy in the personals section - who'da thunk it? Hmmm, wonder what's in the blender section...

Friday, July 17, 2009

#36

There's always one in the crowd in this life, the Universe, and everything - you know, the know-it-all type who not only boasts her smartypants skills, but must have the last word. This princess qualifies by nature of her royal attitude at times, but the focus here is the basic arrogant arse who just plain loves to put others down. All humans have their mean moments and hopefully realize later, apologize, and move on to better, kinder choices. It does seem though that certain humans live and thrive in that zone. What evidence is there of these annoying attitudes and is there any room for humor there?
  • This princess personally dislikes the subtle saboteur. The one who says, "Oh yes, this recipe is good, but mine tastes fantastic when I add lemon zest. It gives it such a perky flavor!" The dissed chef now has a choice. She could choose to graciously ignore, smile, and let karma take its course. Or she could obtain instant gratification and reply "Too bad there's no lemon zest for breasts."
  • Another association to arrogance: adolescents. Best just to breathe through their existence like so many labor pains. Use a mantra like a focal point, just like the childbirth educators teach: this too shall pass, nothing ventured nothing gained, the two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity - yeah, simple centering phrases. That'll work.
  • Finally, there are those who must have the last word even if it's from beyond the grave. Check this epitaph from an 1823 granite gravestone in a cemetery in Maine:

"Behold as you pass by,

As you are now so once was I

As I am now so you must be.

Prepare for death and follow me."

She's a barrel of laughs! That's one cheery chick, eh? Personally this princess prefers to live in the proverbial present. It's so much better to live life to the fullest; love oneself and others; give and receive; face one's fears; feel all there is to feel (ahem, emotions not second base!); thus, there's no need to prepare for death because the joy and love expressed in life prepare us for the new ahead when we pass through that door.

When we think we know it all then the cosmic joke is on us! Yes, this proud princess has eaten enough humble pie to hopefully learn her lesson. If not, she'll join the other arrogant arses when the crow eating contest pulls around to the palace. Until then, Happy Umbrage!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

#35

This princess has been enjoying the beautiful land and seascape in her glorious palace playland in Maine. Vacations are a beautiful thing in this life, the Universe, and everything. Whilst enjoying the natural beauty, the gears and wheels of the comic mind were still attempting to turn. One topic that came to mind was the off-label use of various things, e.g. Avon's Skin So Soft oil works well as a bug repellent. Of course, medical studies are finding certain medicines work well for other ailments in addition to the ones originally intended.

Here are some other off label options this princess wants to add to the mix:
  • Those little blue tooth phone headsets would work well as a distracting device for when you really want to talk to yourself in public but don't want to appear crazy.
  • An inventive woman decided a pair of Hanes underwear would make a great halter top: just cut out the crotch, turn it upside down, put the head through the new opening, arms through the previous leg holes and voila!, instant fashion!
  • Recession-proof temporary tattoos. Got a bored little one looking for some fun? Got a bunch of Chiquita bananas with the stickers attached? Recycle that sticker and give your young'un some fun! Kills two birds with one stone and hey, kids are easy to please!
  • Along the same vein, don't buy your child any birthday toys, just find a clean cardboard box and you're good to go! Generally recommended for the pre-school set, but good BS-ing skills may help you extend this to older children as well. The possibilities are endless!

This is a small sampling of possible off-label uses for items. The expanses of human ingenuity can create many more options. Further explorations and discoveries may be posted! One never knows, but once this princess does she most certainly will tell!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

#34

This princess LOVES the light - not the "go toward the white light" kind of light, though that won't be a bad thing if that happens when she dies. This kind of light is general brightness: sunshine, big picture windows with lots of sunshine, skylights that bring in the sunshine, sunshine, and more sunshine. Got the picture? It only stands to reason since the first eight years of her life were spent in warm, sunny, and tropical places. So what's so important about light in this life, the Universe, and everything? Well, everything. So much so that when she ventures out to work with other humans she makes sure it's good and bright. One case in point is a little room that has no windows! Egad! What's a princess to do? Fortunately there is a source of brightness -a happy light. Now other humans don't understand her need for such brightness so she's frequently asked why the happy light is on. While she loves their curiosity, she's getting bored giving the same explanation for her need. Here's the usual scenario:

Curious human employee enters the room with no windows and happy light is on. The clue of no windows should give a hint to the curious observer, but this isn't the case. Usual comment, "Wow that light is bright!" is followed by usual question, "Why do you have that on?"

So here are some possible answers the princess may give:
  • "It's my death preparation light. When I hear 'Go to the light' I want to know what I'm looking for."
  • "An old Chinese proverb says, 'It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.' I asked the property management department to help me in my campaign against darkness. They were fresh out of candles so they gave me this happy light."
  • "Those darn pixies are so annoying! I heard they hate happy lights so I thought I'd give it a whirl."
  • "I'm conducting speed of light experiments. I'm measuring as we speak."

So the quest against boring answers continues. Maybe one day this princess will be pleasantly surprised with a different scenario. One possibility:

Curious human employee enters windowless room with a happy light on. Curious human employee looks at illuminated happy light, looks at illuminated princess, then proclaims "You have a happy light on! Good for you for your death preparation skills, fight against darkness, pixie warding prowess, and speed of light experiment conduction capabilities! You rock, princess!"

One never knows in this princess' kingdom. The possibilities are endless - at least in her mind anyway!


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

#33

This princess is terribly poor at flirting. Yes even royal highnesses can be shy in this life, the Universe, and everything. Since she loves the accessibility of the www, she thought she'd peruse for answers. Here's the dish:
  • One suggestion was to cross and uncross the legs. According to the writer, this is seen as sexy. The assumption is that this is in a social setting, so this princess will try to remember not to pick the wedged underwear during the crossing.
  • The next suggestion was to have good hygiene and take a shower. That and a new pair of overalls should do the trick!
  • One article suggested guys love it when a woman bites her bottom lip. Somehow this princess doesn't understand how trickling blood is sexy. Maybe that advice will be skipped.
  • Another author recommends wearing something that feels "flirty". See overalls above.

Blood-drawing techniques notwithstanding, this is a good start for tips on venturing out into the flirting world. Wish this princess luck! She'll need it!

Friday, June 19, 2009

#32

There was a street vendor in the kingdom recently who had a vast array of brightly colored thick rope on large black spools. What inspired this street entrepreneur to go into the rope business? Did she do a market feasibility study to find a niche for her product? She's a little late for the initial market turndown of the U.S. economy. Was her sales pitch, "At the end of your rope? There's hope! I have tons! While supplies last!"

Human creativity in the business world of this life, the Universe, and everything knows no bounds. Here's a list of some interesting businesses:

  1. There's a man who sells frozen treats made of pickle juice! Gives new meaning to the phrase "Pucker up!".....Here's his link: http://www.bobspicklepops.com/index.html

  2. This person sells origami boulders, which gives new meaning to the "Rock, Paper, Scissors" concept, or does it?.....Here's the link with a heads up-----> *Non-PC Don Rickles humor style so the genteel denizens of the kingdom be forewarned: http://origamiboulder.com/

  3. "Nobody loves me everybody hates me I'm gonna eat some worms!" are lyrics to one song kids sing. This website claims increased protein if you eat their specially raised Mopani worms. So if their body loves them for the protein boost but their tongues hate them for the taste, will the kids still eat the worms cuz now they have a body that loves them? What's more, does the insanity of attempting to make this funny approach the insanity of not only eating insects but paying cold hard cash to do so?!! Here's the link: http://www.edible.com/shop/browse.php?cmd=showdepartment&sectionId=23

The phrase "don't knock it 'til you try it" comes to mind with these crazy business success stories. Though this princess won't be knocking the door down to try insects as edibles very soon - as a business or taste bud venture!!!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

#31

Many princes and princesses grew up in parental kingdoms where the logic for certain decrees were based on such maxims as "Because I said so" or "Because I'm the Mommy, that's why". These were typical answers to the younglings' question of "Why?"

Why? is an interesting question in this life, the Universe, and everything. Bill Cosby discusses this on his Why is There Air? comedy album. He stated at college the philosophy majors would ask "Why is there air?" and the physical education majors would answer "to blow up volleyballs with".

As the above examples indicate, we all have motivations to ask the Why questions, but the answers we get may not be the ones we're seeking. Especially since the one answering has his or her own perception and motivation at the time.

So here are some possible Why questions and answers:
  • In the 1970s Karen Carpenter sang to her love interest: "Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?" Apparently the sunflower seed wreath on his head was no clue for her.
  • Why are dogs man's best friend? Because the conversation is easy.
  • Why do they say men love the chase? Because citibank is bankrupt.
  • Why is the informal meaning of cakewalk known as "something easy, sure, or certain"? Because they tried the moonwalk first.

So there it is. Important or not Why questions and answers. What will they think of next???

Thursday, June 11, 2009

#30

The human condition is really quite fascinating. Humans generally hate change, but change is really the only constant (besides death and taxes) in this life, the Universe, and everything. Some people like to say "Change is good!" This princess says, "Well, yeah!! Especially when the cashier gives back the right amount!!"

What are some common human behaviors concerning change?
  • Some men run away screaming. But then the women think "Jeez, it's only a poopy diaper! Is it really that hard to change?"
  • Some think Jedi mind tricks will work to effect a change, but psychologists tell us that no one but no one can change that tire unless it really wants to be changed.
  • This princess likes to pretend she has magical powers when she sits at a red light and coaxes it to change green with such encouraging words as "Come on light, change! I believe in you! I know you can do it! Change!" Yes, she's worked out with Tony Little videos a few too many times!
  • Then there's the opposing factions of those who meet deadlines for change and the procrastinators who drag their collective feet in an attempt to stymie or stop the change. Well you'd think the neighborhood ice cream truck driver would be happy to take the kids' change, but he's always 10 minutes late for his 3:00 p.m. run!!

So thus are scenarios of human behavior and change. Though change is a constant, some things never change.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

#29

Carpe diem. Seize the day. Ah yes, this princess has heard this phrase in this life, the Universe, and everything. How can one seize the day when it won't keep still? Moving targets are quite difficult to catch. How are we supposed to do this when Time stands still for no man (or woman or princess or dog or cat...you get the picture!)? So much is said about doing this that one is predisposed to think that this is the be all end all to daily living. Maybe it really isn't such a great idea to seize anything during the course of a day (said day included!). So what are some things humans and some other possible sentient beings best avoid seizing? Here's a possible list:
  • Car engines are generally not on the recommended list of things we want to seize
  • Same for any other functioning motor
  • Hamstrings, lower backs, and heart muscles aren't fun when they seize either
  • Seizing freezers and refrigerators can cause a household meltdown. In this case one wants to seize a cooler and some ice for back up.
  • Being seized by anything may be un-fun as well. Panic, mayhem, Somalian pirates, and leg cramps come to mind (possible exception to the Somalian pirate = handsome, swarthy Somalian pirate).

So any number of things to seize or be seized by best be considered an exception to the carpe diem rule. One needn't be hasty now!

Friday, June 5, 2009

#28

Some humans are adrenaline junkies in this life, the Universe, and everything. They live for the thrill. Here is a step-by-step guide to challenging and thrill-inducing activities for any humans who may want to walk the high adrenaline path:


  1. Eat an entire piece of zwieback toast. Baby steps, people, baby steps!

  2. Steve Martin recommends this: put a live chicken in your underwear, get all excited and go to a yawning festival, but this is a new millenium so put a live iPhone in your underwear, get all disaffected and go to an emo concert. Teens may find this particularly exciting, but adults in a mid-life crisis who want to recapture their youth may also find it especially invigorating.

  3. Create a new category in the Guinness Book of World Records by speed punching with your 3 hole punch in less than a minute. At the very least you may relieve some office boredom.

So three easy steps to get you started on the path to a thrill seeking, adventurous lifestyle. No one said extreme is easy, but who says you can't ease your way into it?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

#27

"Shocking!" yes something can be literally and/or figuratively shocking to a sentient being in this life, the Universe, and everything. The word "shock" intrinsically has a jarring look, sound, and feel to it. In fact, shock is a comedy component that ranges from the mild unexpected twist to the raucous.

The favorite shock purveyor for this princess is the grocery store rag with the "shocking" headlines. Always a source of amusement and preferred way to pass the time of waiting in long lines, here are some gems from issues past:
  • "Headless hag terrorizes shopping mall!" yeah, they were watching Marie Antoinette at the mall's cinema!
  • "Catholic school sisters trade in their wooden rulers for the ultimate disciplinary tool - NUN CHUCKS!" A certain princess needs to update a previous post: http://comicprincess.blogspot.com/2009_05_01_archive.html!!!
  • "Scientist proves Earth is going through menopause - global warming is Earth's hot flashes!" So thunderstorms are night sweats?
  • "Man rushed to emergency room after money burns hole in his pocket!" Thank goodness no one needed to put a fire under his arse to get him there!
  • "Housewife experiences half-rapture and gets stuck in the dining room ceiling!" Her response: "Honey, could you put the roast on the table? Dinner's ready!"
  • "Stareroids! Growth hormones cause bodybuilder's eyes to pop out of his head!" Are you sure it wasn't the hot chick next to him on the lat pull-down machine?

Gotta love that tabloid comedy! How else would we endure the shock of their news to our systems?!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

#26

Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy) said some funny things during his time in this life, the Universe, and everything. He challenged the Freudian psychotherapy mode status quo (my hero!) and produced an efficient way to deal with fear and anger in the present moment. (note: Freud's work on defense mechanisms was a great contribution so the proverbial baby won't get thrown out with the bath water). His iconoclastic thinking and can-do attitude paved the way for a style of therapy that has helped many humans. Here are some of his quotes:

"There's no evidence that men are more rational than women. Both sexes seem to be equally irrational."

"Neurosis is just a high class word for whining."

"We're all f***ing nuts!"

Since we're all nuts, does that mean a not guilty by reason of insanity plea is an ace up the sleeve? Can we hold onto that for future reference as needed in a court of law?

He also discussed that we have a choice about what to tell ourselves concerning incidents in our lives. We'd all love to tell happy stories about our lives if only we could remember them! For some of us remembering what we had for breakfast is a supreme task! So maybe the "forget" part can come first in the "forgive and forget" formula!

Not only did he teach and preach, he acted too. To overcome his shyness he approached 100 women and talked to them. He actually got a date out of the deal! One more than he would've had if he hadn't! Gotta love that spirit! He also made himself speak publicly to overcome his fear of public speaking.

Yes, Albert Ellis was the man with a plan of action and a sense of humor. Gotta love this comic hero!

Monday, June 1, 2009

#25

Is it any wonder why communication between humans is an interesting thing in this life, the Universe, and everything? It's so interesting that this princess is writing a second post in a row on the topic! As previously and more simply described, a person has a thought and sometimes a feeling attached to it, processes this, and then expresses it verbally and non-verbally usually to another person in the room who then has his own filter of perception based on past experiences, beliefs, hurts, frustrations, unmet needs, laundry list of mental distractions, and other sundry things; and, then through the perception filter this second person in the room must translate, create a response, and express his own thought/feeling to the first person. This princess is tired just thinking and typing this one interaction alone!!! Then technology enters the mix! It makes communication oh so much more interesting in that exasperating sort of way.

Like those texting functions that try to read one's mind and predict the desired word during texting. Cell phones are terrible mind readers. They make it better as phones.

Then there's multiple e-mail addresses. One or two for work, one for home, one for your friends from online communities, one for your part-time business, and the list goes on. A usual question is "Which e-mail address did you send it to?" Ah yes, the simple things in life! Humans still don't get the message!

And then there's having the good sense to make the technology work so communication can happen. Remembering to turn the phone back on after a movie is usually a good maneuver. Same for switching from vibrate after a meeting. Volume up is a good idea so the phone is heard. It's those little things in the communicating life that matter!

Multi-tasking with technology is generally considered a bad idea. Driving a car and talking on the cell phone isn't condoned and illegal in some states. Hitting a guard rail is generally inconducive to good communication.

Technology is a beautiful thing when it helps communication. Humans are still good at finding ways to keep it interesting!

Friday, May 29, 2009

#24

Communication can be an interesting situation between humans in this life, the Universe, and everything. It's a beautiful thing when it works well.

First there's the speaker who thinks and feels a certain thing and then needs to say it. Then there's the listener who hears it and needs to interpret it then respond to the speaker. At any point along these pathways there can be disconnect or confusion based on any number of factors.

Here are some possible factors for communication pandemonium fun with possible solutions:

  • Lack of eye contact is usually a sign the listener is disinterested or has more pressing matters on his mind. This can easily be remedied with a quick, though unforceful slap to the back of the head. However, it won't endear a listener to the speaker so other attention getting approaches should be considered. Ruler slaps have worked well for nuns.


  • Ear wax is another common listener problem. Otherwise, there would be no cause for the commonly used phrase "clean out your ears so you can hear me!". Sometimes the simplest things are the key to a solution.


  • Heightened emotional states are a problem for good communication occurring between speaker and listener. Uproarious laughter makes it hard for the speaker to get a word in edgewise. Also, the volume predisposes a listener's difficulty in understanding the speaker's words. Controlling this will help.


  • Chronic IV drug use is also considered a barrier to good communication. One is too involved during the high to think or feel anything else so, therefore, there's nothing to express to a listener. If there is a listener, she's probably trippin' too. Rehab is the answer - uh, maybe.
As these points illustrate, there are any number of factors involved to skew communication. When it's good and the message given = message received, then all is well. So remember to give good eye contact with clean ears while avoiding uproarious laughter and chronic IV drug use; thus, communication will be perfect!!!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

#23

There are so many idioms, axioms, adages, and opinions that a princess just can't keep up in this life, the Universe, and everything. There's so much information flying around out there that it can be daunting to sort through and make sense of it all. Of course this princess enjoys a bit of challenge so onward ho!

The first conundrum involves two seemingly disparate sayings:
  • Misery loves company
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.

Each evokes some aspect of loneliness so they have that in common. There may be a way to unite them. If one is having a really horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day and wants a good cry in good company, will it work if misery's invited? Or should one just show up at misery's door since it loves company? Hey, someone could show up ready for a heckofa good time and it's safe to say misery would be ready with a keg or tea and crumpets as the status requires!

Here's another:

  • "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Forrest Gump
  • "You create your destiny." Some guy

Well, which is it? Does the internal create the external? Are we that powerful? Or is the "you create your destiny" a sales pitch the elite feed the common man or woman so they have hope they have a chance? Is there a recipe for destiny creating? And if there is why isn't it on Bon Appetit's website? There are pressing questions that need answering!! Do we all really float through life like some sentient flotsam and jetsam? And if we do, do we get to eat chocolates? That alone makes the ride worth it in this princess' book. Still others say, "Luck is when opportunity meets hard work." So elbow grease is the key? And who said this princess' elbow needed greasing?





Tuesday, May 26, 2009

#22

This princess thinks it's time to create a new religion. Anyone is free to join and no one has to sell flowers on a street corner or books at the airport. There are no services to attend or money to give. Since religion is about ritual there needs to be at least a few practices:
  1. All underwear becomes outerwear on the 4th Tuesday of every month. This is especially iron clad if one holds an elected position or is a monarch or dignity or high ranking religious leader. If the religious elite are wearing long flowing robes, whether male or female, they can opt for wearing medieval bloomers on their heads. This may look rather cute.
  2. No vegetables will be eaten on the 3rd Thursday of the month. This one may be stricken from the religious decree manual for Americans though. Many already practice this on a fairly regular basis so there may be no need to write it down.
  3. On the first day of the six month in a Roman calendar year, each person will create a new lucky charm. This princess opted for a lucky 3 hole punch after her lucky stapler gave her a puncture wound.
  4. Penance for not complying with the above 3 rules of the religion will consist of feeling 3 seconds of guilt and then forever moving on from the subject.

So four rules isn't half bad. For some of us though, even that's too many. In fact, let's just keep it simple and sum it all up into an easy phrase like "love your neighbor as yourself". Oh wait, someone's done that already. Ok, throw away the rules and just follow what's already been suggested. No sense in reinventing the wheel. Maybe King Solomon was right when he wrote, "there's nothing new under the sun". Though it still may be fun to see the dignitaries with bloomers bracing their braincaps!

Friday, May 22, 2009

#21

Bards in this life, the Universe, and everything have sung "Love is a many splendored thing"; "All you need is love"; and "Love lifts us up where we belong". What is love really though? Many moons ago this princess heard an Episcopal priest preach that "Love is a verb". In that case, can it go out and get a cup of coffee in the morning? The servants have been slacking in the palace lately.


What is love besides a four letter word and a verb? What more can be said about love in all its forms? Here a few funny quotes that take a stab at it:



"If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?" ~ Unknown (I hear he's a nice guy, though I never knew him)



"Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad." ~ P.D. East



'The whole world loves a lover' is an interesting theory, but a very bad legal defense.
~ Keith Sullivan

"If love is like oxygen, then don't smoke in bed!" ~ comicprincess (See Post #14 http://comicprincess.blogspot.com/2009_04_01_archive.html)

Love in all its forms is a wonderful blessing, but it doesn't stop humans from having a laugh and poking fun in this life, the Universe, and everything. Just like lovin' it's gotta get done!

Friday, May 15, 2009

#20

This princess saw a sweet classic Corvette parked on the street in the local kingdom. It's license plate read "u liv 1c". The next thought was you live one "c"? How can you live a "c"? Is that code for something? Okay it was more than one thought but the brain finally kicked into gear and realized the message was "you live once". Humans in the USA love to post thoughts and messages on their cars via bumper stickers, license plates, and car art. Here are some license plates with possible interpretations that address burning questions like "should anyone really care?":

NEDLART - It's unfortunate enough this person was named Ned Lart, but must he abuse himself further by advertising it?!

WELLRED - This owner of a red Pontiac Grand Am clearly has spelling issues and needs to actually read more so she can learn!

LTL BLUE - Ditto for this owner of a little, blue, classic Toyota

EEYORE - Well, what about him?

BTRFLY4 - Does the driver have a better fly for us - to spread more germs or catch more fish? Is there really one out there and if so, does he actually have four of them to share?

BTFLGLS - Ummm......? All that comes to mind is an eloquent description of thongs as "butt floss". So maybe the driver is a member of a self-described group known as the "butt floss girls". Hey, it takes all kinds!

PB4WEGO - Gotta love this mother of little kids!!!

So license plates as advertising, philosophy, and important reminders seem to bode well in this American life, the Universe, and everything. Now if only we can figure out a way to message with vegetable peelers. Our lives will be complete!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

#19

Someone eloquently told this princess (without the abbreviations) you can't "BS" a "BS-er". The concept of BS-ing amongst humans is an interesting one. Let's face it, BS is a fact of the human condition. All humans have been on the receiving and/or giving end of it. Here are some examples of categories of BS:

Fortuitous BS: Is there really such a thing as lucky BS? I suppose if you're the BS-er and someone believes your line, then you're lucky indeed.

Unfortunate BS: Unfortunately, no one believes your BS so you're SOL on that one.

Flabberghasted BS: Even you yourself can't believe the lines you're dishing out!

Fictional BS: This is a redundancy unless it's a fairy tale that wants you to believe it's true. Sorry girls, Prince Charming is now a metrosexual getting his hair and nails done at the salon.

Non-fictional BS: Is this an oxymoron?

Self-induced BS: Believing that one day your Prince shall come. See Fictional BS.

Fundamentalist BS: Believing that one way of thought, belief, or systematic approach to life, the Universe and everything is the only way to do it. Religion is the most noted area where this occurs, but history shows us many examples of ways new thoughts and approaches were resisted in science, medicine, music, art, dance, and politics to name a few. However, if Sophia tries to bring a new version of Uncle Sal's lasagna to the Capponi family reunion again, heads will surely roll!

Humans are so creative there are surely many more examples of the extent of BS. The mind boggles at the possibilities. However, this is a tiny blog and one does get tired of all the BS at times. So let's leave it at that.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

#18

Ever notice how some humans in this life, the Universe, and everything just take what they want without the slightest bit of consideration for others? Desperation, the need for greed, or some other motive propel them forward to their goal willy nilly with no thought of the ramifications or effects on others or even themselves. What are these important things or goals certain humans must have or attain? What is so important that drives said humans like bulls in a china shop squashing any other sentient beings who so unfortunately happen to be in their way?

For one, Mentos are a highly significant thing and when this princess feels the need for enjoying chewy texture and minty fresh breath the path best be clear! She takes no responsibility for the health or welfare of other denizens of the kingdom.

Thumb tacks are another highly prized commodity for which this princess will never wait! If there's a line at Staples then buyers beware! They best move it or lose it for this tack swinging emissary of doom!

Another highly necessary goal this princess has seen on the road is the need for speed. It's extremely expedient for a driver to pass and cut off another driver so he can make that exit 2.5 seconds faster than before. Those extra 2.5 seconds count in life! Probably on his way to grab some thumb tacks.

On the other end of the spectrum is the driver who loves to travel in the passing lane of a two lane highway. She's thinking I like the view from here or I'm practicing driving like they do in England or I'm a princess and I'll damn well do what I please or I'll pretend I'm a State trooper and I may as well speed while I'm at it even though there's no public safety issue, emergency, or threat to attend to immediately or I like these new travelling lanes they've issued! Yeah, it's fun being stuck behind Grampa Jones going 45 mph in a 65 mph zone with Twinkle Toes Traveller enjoying her trip down travelling lane that other humans wish was a passing lane!

So yes, humans for whatever reason "just gotta have it" and they grab it before the brain or the heart engages. Is it any wonder why internal and/or external conflict ensues? Just a thought.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

#17

Ah yes, the dating game! How do we court love or hold love in our court as the case may be? As previously written, this princess prefers the second grade method of courtship (See Post #2 http://comicprincess.blogspot.com/2009_03_01_archive.html). Since that hasn't caught on yet, a girl needs to know what other options are available and viable.

Dating in Ages Past:

Since we're told that history repeats and this is definitely true in the fashion world, there may be some courtship crazes from ages past to bring back.

In ancient times when there was a shortage of women, the men thought Aw what the heck let's go raid our neighbors for a woman! then murder and mayhem ensued as they pillaged a village for a date. Brings new meaning to the phrase love your neighbor, but then again some like it rough and some folks like to do things the hard way. Somehow I don't see this as making a comeback though.

In medieval European times, chivalry arose as a backlash to the businesslike atmosphere of arranged marriages. Love was a new attractive ingredient. Life imitated art as honorable men were inspired by stage suitors to serenade, recite poetry, open doors, buy dinner, and give flowers to inspire this ingredient and woo chaste women. Yeah, don't see that making a comeback either! Generally speaking, there's a shortage of the necessary ingredients of honorable men and chaste women in U.S. modern society. We may have to go raid Canada's villages to find some.

Victorian England decided love was definitely the primary ingredient but decided formality was key as well. Everything had to be put in writing. Sounds like a pre-nup to me so it looks like this never left the norm.

Nordic countries used knives and sheathes as indicators of interest and readiness to date. Seems they had a psychic connection with Sigmund Freud and the village pillagers of days past. This may be a serious safety issue for modern day lovers as some already run with scissors! This probably won't be in the queue for upcoming dating trends.

Current heartbeat of hottie pursuit:

This princess loves perusing the world wide web for interesting information. So what was found in the hot hottie pursuit category?

From a web comment posted a few years ago we have:

"New Zealanders, Australians, and the English do not "date". They drink and lunge."


Enough said.

Actually they're into the group thing - dating I mean. Actually not dating but hanging out in groups. It's the custom in Europe and the Central and South Americas as well.

Of course there's a plethora of other dating topics in cyberspace on the current dating scene. However, this princess is tired and there's just not enough room in one little blog for the scope of all that in this life, the Universe, and everything. Suffice it to say she will always be a fan of the aforementioned 2nd grade courtship system!











Monday, May 4, 2009

#16

It seems the swine flu aka H1N1 has created some surprises for humans in this life, the Universe, and everything. This princess studied microbiology and her professor told the class that microbes would conquer the Earth. Of course royalty doesn't enjoy hearing such things but the subject was forgiven. Interestingly enough this princess also remembered learning that a lowly carpenter from a past millenium spoke "the meek shall inherit the Earth". Her tutor who was versed in Greek explained that the Greek word, prautes, was transliterated into the English word, meek, which is the closest equivalent. Prautes specifically referred to taming and training a horse. So there's an element of being teachable to this. Being teachable is synonymous with being adaptable because there's learning and changing going on. Adaptability goes hand in hand with Darwin's theory of evolution. What does this have to do with microbes and Jesus? We try to tame (or rather KILL-and rightly so) the germ and it responds by training itself to live (think of microbes that develop resistance to antibiotics). Imagine the nerve of the thing! It actually survives! It's a good thing to be surviving when the inheritance thing rolls around. At inheritance time it's always better to be on the receiving versus giving end! So if the germs are the last ones standing, they get the inheritance, but then again their human food supply will be gone so what will they do? There's always fast food!

Meanwhile for our self-preservation, what can we learn from this scenario? For one, we can pay attention to the public service announcements:

(See Post #14: http://comicprincess.blogspot.com/2009/04/14.html See "All You Need is Love PSA")

Here's another interesting thing we can glean from this: proponents of opposing views may actually be able to have a civil cup of tea together! There's talk of Jesus and Darwin in the same paragraph and nobody got hurt! No insults were hurled! No arguments raised! No death threats! What is our world coming to?

So even know-it-all smartypants types can learn something new? This princess definitely needs constant help in the fashion department! Does that mean she'll one day rule in that department too? A princess can always dream!

Friday, May 1, 2009

#15





As previously mentioned in this blog,

(see Post #13:http://comicprincess.blogspot.com/2009/04/13.html ), humans in this life, the Universe, and everything are intriguing. More specifically their actions and possible motives are the thing. A real life random act of randomness was spotted at the palace in a small rock garden. Someone lovingly and recently placed a Lexmark printer on the wooden edifice (otherwise known as a stump) in the rock garden in the palace courtyard. Always the curious one, this princess is wondering about the motives behind such placement. This person may have had any number of reasons to do this. Here are a few possibilities:

  • Printing papers on a wooden stump is the new black. That's right. It's a new fashion trend!
  • It was a landscape architect design to merge technology and nature. So avant garde!
  • The previous owner just couldn't care for his little printer anymore and he wanted to give it a loving home with nice surroundings in a natural setting.
  • The previous owner is a real estate agent who was thinking "Location! Location! Location!" when she remembered she needed a perfect spot to place her printer.
  • A nearby family thought they'd get better TV reception if they placed the printer on a wooden stump in their neighbor's rock garden.
  • The previous owner read on the Internet that there's a new technology that recycles old wooden stumps into paper, which is then fed (right there and then!) into a printer, which then prints any needed documents. Will the wonders of technology ever cease?!

Thus are the possible scenarios in which the printer purveyor was ensconced. What other predicaments, pickles, or predeterminations may have been involved? The mystery remains!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

#14

Musicians and actors have been doing public service announcements in the USA for decades. What would be interesting is creating public service announcements (PSA) based on song lyrics. There have been great lyrics down through the decades that would do good service for these PSAs, but since we all have short attention spans now, let's not go too far back.

From the 1960s and 1970s:

  • From the band Sweet we're taught that love is like oxygen. Here's the PSA: "Love is like oxygen so don't smoke in bed!"

  • The Beatles sang "All you need is love". Here's the PSA: "All you need is love, but handwashing is still the single most important way to stop the spread of infection."


From the 1980s (The voice of this princess' mother, The Queen is loud and clear here. Readers better heed! Does French & Italian spitfire raise any images?):

  • Elvis Costello sang "what's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?". Here's the PSA: "What's so funny about peace, love, and understanding? Nothing and you won't find it funny when a heart attack comes knocking so trash the constant burger and fries!"


  • Cyndi Lauper sang "girls just wanna have fun". Here's the PSA: "Girls just wanna have fun but people are starving in Africa so eat your lima beans!"


From the 1990s:

  • Pearl Jam sang "Jeremy spoke in class today". Here's the PSA: "Jeremy spoke in class today. While this is fascinating news, please be quiet and courteous while in the library."


  • Nirvana sang "Here we are now - entertain us!" Here's the PSA: "Here we are now - entertain us! And we hope you'll entertain the idea of reducing, reusing, and recycling!"

According to Billboard.com here are some current hit songs:

  • From "Boom Boom Pow" The Black Eyed Peas sing "I'm so 3008/You so 2000 and late". Here's the PSA: "I'm so 3008. You so 2000 and late so get back to the future and keep your ladders away from electrical lines!"

  • In his country hit, " Don't Think I Can't Love You", Jake Owen sings, surprisingly enough "Oh, but baby, baby, oh baby, don't think I can't love you". Here's the PSA: "Oh, but baby, baby, oh baby, don't think I can't love you, but I can't get get my arms around you so please start eating 5 a day of fruits and veggies!"
  • In Beyonce's dance single, "Halo" she sings "Remember those walls I built well baby they're tumbling down". Here's the PSA: "Remember those walls I built? Well baby they're tumbling down because I didn't hire a licensed contractor. Get the job done right!"

Fun with song lyrics and PSAs in this life, the Universe, and everything. What other interesting concoctions can be thought up next?