Monday, March 30, 2009


When assessing a patient's cognitive function and, more specifically, his or her abstract reasoning ability, a health professional will ask the person to interpret a proverb. For example, she may say to the patient, "Tell me what 'A rolling stone gathers no moss' means". The beauty of humans is we each have our own perceptions and perspectives. Here are some proverbs and interpretations:

Proverb: "Some people don't see the light until they feel the heat."


Some people need to warm up by the wood stove before they can turn on the lights.

Proverb: "A rolling stone gathers no moss."


It's too busy rolling to gather moss; and, what with all the texts and e-mails it has to answer, it's darn lucky it has time even to roll!

Proverb: "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."


Well, duh!! It'll get hurt!!!!

Proverb: "A stitch in time saves nine."


Time gets hurt? How can it get one stitch let alone nine? And what's this bit about saving? That relates to money. Whoever wrote this is surely mixing metaphors!

Proverb: "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."


I don't think anyone can begin to make a statement about this without checking market prices first.

Proverb: "Don't throw stones in glass houses."


Well, duh!! Glass breaks!!

Proverb: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."


Unless you're a venture capitalist right now.

So these are the small offerings that could be gleaned from the myriad possible interpretations of these proverbs. The human response is interesting in life, the Universe, and everything.

Friday, March 27, 2009


Why can’t love be simple like it was in second grade? Remember those notes that said “I like you. Do you like me? Circle Yes or No”? I vote we bring the note system back. I think it would spare much pain and anguish, save time, and increase efficiency. No more lame excuses or silly mind games: just pass the note to someone you like; he fills in the answer; and, you’re either in business or you move on- short, sweet, and simple.

Nowadays, humans go to such extraordinary lengths to tease out a love life, when they could simply and easily use the note system. A case in point is a friend who relies on good luck charms to enhance her love life. Luck is a huge factor in her perception of life, the Universe, and everything. She wore a lucky pair of tube socks before each basketball game. She wears a charm bracelet, and her newest addition to the repertoire is her lucky 3 hole punch. She swears by it. For dates, she has gotten more extravagant in her choice. She says it’s the palm tree on the lid that relaxes her and makes her feel so lucky, but I think there’s a Freudian connection in her choice of a pristine, new, soft version toilet seat. She’s not so sure what moves her about it, but it brings her a great sense of relief; and, she’s flush with anticipation each time she looks at it on her way to a date. Only time will tell if her love life flows freely.

Another friend decided she needed to break free of her straight-laced background and get a bit naughtier to attract a guy. So she signed up for some unofficial skank training. She hasn’t snagged the man yet, but she reports the skanks taught her new things:

• cucumbers are not just for lunch anymore
• stripper pole gymnastics is an art form
• if you make a mean margarita your bff will forgive you for letting her boyfriend give your dog a bone
• her language skills are augmented with such phrases as “way to go ho!” and “thanks skank!”

Another friend runs to psychics every time she turns around. As if someone named Autumnflower Moonchild has the reliability “it factor” to find her a date! What about her own inner knowing and guidance system? Then again, she does get lost a lot. Maybe what she really needs is a GPS if she doesn’t want to use the note system. If it can give someone directions from point A to point B, maybe it can help her find paradise by the dashboard lights. Or, assist her in back seat, cheap date positioning with a blow by blow. She can even get one with a sexy, male Aussie voice who could talk dirty to her and still respect her in the morning. Without the note system, a woman needs options!

So let’s KISS (Keep It Simple Sweetheart) and if I send you a note pass it back circled Yes! Let’s enjoy these moments we experience in life, the Universe, and everything.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Life, The Universe, and Everything #1

First day on the blog and it feels good. What do I have to say about Life, the Universe, and Everything? A lot! Okay, maybe not that much, but here I go. It's fun to ponder this strange, seemingly absurd, painfully beautiful, joyfully ugly thing deemed as existence.

So what's the first most important thing I need to expound on? Remember Sanjaya from American Idol? The guy who got all the popular attention for his hair and style instead of singing talent. Remember him? Yeah? Well, this isn't about him.

Today's important aspect of life is greeting cards. It's one way we reach out and connect with each other. I was reading a few heartfelt ones the other day, but started to feel anguish after reading 3 or 4, because all the friends and family were perfect and all the sentiments were so lovely. I'm a kind and sensitive person, but even I have a schmaltz tolerance threshold.

That's when I realized that the greeting card industry needed a new perspective, a fresh approach.

What if dudes wrote greeting cards? They could brand it "Made for a chick, written by a dude yo!". I asked some dudes to help me write some cards so we could offer this fresh new perspective to the companies.

For a "Thinking of You" card to his wife, one dude suggested:

Outside cover: "Hey Wife"

Inside card: "You kick ass and warm my heart so I'm buying you a $3 card to warm yours"

For a "Thinking of You" card for a daughter, he proposed:

Outside cover: "Hey Daughter"

Inside card: "You kick ass and warm my heart so I'm buying you a $3 card to warm

For a "Thinking of You" for a friend, he offered:

Outside cover: "Hey Buddy"

Inside card: "You kick ass and warm my heart so I'm buying you a $3 card to warm yours"

To show their versatility the dudes even came up with a few "Special Occasion" cards. For his wife, one dude said "Happy Anniversary" as follows:

Outside cover: "Happy Anniversary Wifey"

Inside card: "You cook good, you clean good, you raise the kids good, so it's all good."

For a "Congratulations Friend" card, one dude wrote this:

Outside cover: "Good Job Buddy!"

Inside card: "You work good so it's all good."

For a "Birthday" card, a dude offered:

Outside cover: "Happy Birthday Son!"

Inside card: "Hey look! It's your birthday. It's all good."

So these are the offerings the dudes can bring to the table. You think the greeting card industry will wanna grab a bite? One never knows when life, the universe, and everything are involved.