#62

This princess DID fall into a black hole for a month - that is, if it fits the description of sunny Maine beaches; digging new gardens; and, creating new stone pathways at her royal palace. There's no fear of getting down and dirty here since the black hole was actually many dirt holes.

And speaking of dirt! No there is none. Except in the yard. But that's already covered.

Affinity for gardens and sentence fragments aside, a new creation has evolved from the royally distracted by beautiful summer weather mind. Here it is:

Untitled (For cool effect)

Dogma, dogma

everywhere!

Dogma here!

Dogma there!

Dogma sitting

on the train;

and, sitting,

in my brain!

We can laugh at

this refrain.

Dogma - it's

just silly...plain!

Food for thought and extreme silliness all rolled up in one yummy ball. Don't ya just wish you could eat it? Maybe not. Carry on!!

#61

No, this princess hasn't fallen into a black hole or the nearest facsimile, her purse. She's just been taking a break from blogging. No one real excuse exists, but there could be some fun making some up. Here are some possibile princess shenanigans:



She got thinking about the X-Files claim that "THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE". So she went searching. It took her quite awhile but she found it: hiding behind the dumpster at McDonald's. It seems the truth has a penchant for dumpster diving.


She researched conspiracy theories for official adoption. It might be nice to add some variety to the personal ideology mix. After careful consideration, she adopted the government mind control theory. She also chose a plan of action to "foil their plot" and bought into the aluminum foil deflector beanie plan. Gotta keep safe from those government mind control rays: http://zapatopi.net/afdb/!!!


She heard that Chivalry is dead. No "Chivalry" came up on her Google obit searches. Since she couldn't find the answer on the interweb then it must be false ;) But then a search for "Chivalry is dead" yielded a resultant claim of "chivalry is dead and women killed it". It? This princess thought it was some celebrity chick who bit the dust! It's not totally implausible. Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter, Apple.


So these are small, slacker stories of possible princess whereabouts and goings on. Hey, their her stories and she's stickin' to 'em!!

#60

Word selection and usage is so interesting to this princess. There is a fond remembrance of how swiftly and deftly she attempted to advance her high school theater career when she oh-so-politically-and-correctly asked the director if any of the plays would interfere with the basketball games she played. Yeah..."smooth move ex-lax!". Good thing PR wasn't on her career list of things to do.


Speaking of careers, even princessdom has it's boring days so a perusal of potential professions was in order. Speaking of PR as well, there was hope for interesting possibilities on the word selection and usage front.


Helen Ziegler & Associates definitely didn't disappoint in their maneuvers to entice registered nurses to work in Saudi Arabia. In addressing the personal safety issue, they stated that the Western compounds where North American and European nurses live had "occasional terrorist attacks" but "violence is far less than one would find in a city of comparable size in the United States or Canada". Somehow still stuck on the phrase "occasional terrorist attacks", but others may be feeling the warm, fuzzy thoughts of personal safety due to Ziegler's relativity theory.


Speaking of relativity, don't relatives, and humans in general say the darndest things? Here's a comment posing as a compliment: "You're not as fat as you used to be". Gee thanks.


It appears interesting word choices aren't limited to individuals and web content. A couple of minor political parties were called "Locofocos" and "Coodies". Was health care reform in their party platforms?

Ah, yes the beautiful word choices make life so interesting. N'est-ce pas?

#59

"I just met a wonderful new man. He's fictional but you can't have everything." Cecilia in The Purple Rose of Cairo.


Her fictional man surely had a great pick-up line to entice her into romance. If popular protagonists were able to leap off the page or screen, what would their lines be? Here are some possibilities:

Superman: "They don't call me the Man of Steel for nothing!"

Captain Kirk: "I will boldy go where no man has gone before."

Hamlet: "To be or not to be - that is the question, but it's not the ONLY question. What are you doing Saturday night?"

Pandora: "Wanna play with my box?"

Medusa: "Whaddya think of my killer looks?"

Batman: "Come check out my pole in the Bat Cave"

Moby Dick: "Enough said. Oh wait, I'm a whale..."

A text from Peter Pan: "Hey baby. I can make you fly ;)"

Aphrodite: "I'm not too shabby on the half shell. I am the goddess of love and horniness after all....just sayin' "

Winnie the Pooh: "How about a taste 'o honey, honey? Oh wait, I'm a teddy bear..."

Big Brother: "I like to watch."

Harry Potter: "I can do wonderful things with my wand."

Tigger:  "I'm bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!!!! Oh wait, I'm a tiger who's really a plushie in a little boy's bedroom...."

Thing (Ben Grimm of the Fantastic Four): "Why do you think they call me Thing? Do the descriptions "superhuman endurance" and "stone-like flesh" mean anything to you?"

Human Torch (Johnny Storm of The Fantastic Four): "I'm hot"

Eeyore: "I'm an ass. Don't bother."

#58

"Lost in translation" is an interesting phrase . But what about comedy in translation? Here are two possibilities:

"Diderot dîne sur les dents d'un dindon". This French tongue twister means "Diderot dines on the teeth of a turkey". Yum! Or was that "Diderot dîne sur le dos d'un dindon"? Diderot dines on the back of a turkey. This seems implausible as a turkey could never hold the weight of both Diderot and the dining table plus silver and glassware!! Something got lost before translation.

"Ben jo" is the Japanese word for toilet and sounds like the English word "banjo" so don't go singing "For I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee" in Tokyo unless you're into funny looks.


Language isn't the only thing that gets lost in translation. Fashion does after so many years - just think of the mullet. Actually, let's not.


Hair wasn't the only regrettable thing in the '80s. Somehow neon green, yellow, orange, and magenta replaced the warmth in the color wheel. It was as if  '60s psychedelia got horribly sick! Why did so many princesses try to discover if they were an "autumn", "spring", "summer", or "winter" when fashion upchuck was splattered everywhere?


It's definitely a good thing '80s fashion got lost, period, never mind any mention of translating it! Certain things need to be left undecipherable. Though many princesses wonder, "What were we thinking?"


So words, fashion, foreign languages, and the '80s can be oh so confusing to the best of us. It's so easy to get lost without even beginning translation!

#57

An interesting concept is that of indebtedness. The most well known aspect is financial debt. It could all start with college debt. Then there are the little things that keep it there or worse, increase it: unexpected car repairs, a dental bill, the con artist boyfriend. Yeah, the little things.


Indebtedness to ex-boyfriends who've taught painful lessons isn't normally on a princess' gratitude list. Learning curves are good though, especially if a woman is teaching a man hers.


So with lessons learned, this princess thought she might venture into the kingdom of Internet dating. What the heck, she might learn something from this foray into mostly uncharted territory.


Imagine her frustration on day one when she discovered so few choices for body type description. She was hoping there was one for a "bodacious babe-a-licious" body, but alas, no such good fortune occurred. Instead there were only choices that her scouts already forewarned her were just code for the REAL body type. Here are some examples:


Athletic = flat                           Voluptuous = fat                  A few extra pounds = DEFINITELY fat
Slim = flat                                 Curvy = fat
Slender = flat                           Average = fat    


What's a princess to do? Leave it blank and post a couple of pics.


Another issue with Internet dating today is the men want to jump into bed as quickly as possible. This probably hasn't changed throughout the ages, but whatever happened to good old-fashioned wooing? A nice slow woo can be a very good thing. Savor all those moments. Chivalry isn't dead so maybe wooing can be revived.


Perhaps there are men out there with wooing skills. If not, then perchance there is at least one malleable subject.


In the search for a trainable wooer, the first thing learned was that humor may not be a good teaching tool. In attempting to influence the subject into a more wooing stance it may not be advisable to ask "Are you sure you want to have sex on the second date? I could be a psycho hose beast ya know."


It may also be advisable to know the difference between gentle wooing vs. going for the down and dirty. Thus, a princess can accurately assess the situation then instruct accordingly. Here are a couple of signs that he's not gently wooing you:

• You need a pair of forceps to remove his tongue from the depths of your throat
• You need a crowbar to pry his hands off your arse

Also, it's always good for any princess to assess whether the subject in question is right for her. If he's not right for her then training is irrelevant. Here are a couple of hints a subject isn't right for the prospective trainer:

• Constant hellish nightmares that peak in his presence
• Constant wretching that peaks in his presence

A princess needs to pay attention to those little hints. It saves time and heartache.

Indebtedness to past experiences is a good thing. One can know what she wants for future reference and apply it to new situations. Now on to find a wonderful wooer....

#56

This princess loves the quirky little things in life, especially the ones that make her brain go "hmm". Last year she logged onto Google on 09/09/09 and at 0909 military time (9:09 a.m. for you civilians). Under the Google logo, she saw 09/09/09 on the left and 09:09:09 on the right. All these nines add up to 54 and 5+4=9! Hmmm......



The Google search engine reveals a plenitude of possible meanings and symbolism of the number nine among which many humans can derive a perspective that brings meaning to their lives. If one has a suspicious perspective, any number of conspiracy theories could be found. On an inspirational note, different religions and life philosophies have different attributes for the number 9.


So what does all this have to do with humor? Nothing, really.

Or is there something? Can the number 9 really be funny? Do human demographics such as age, gender, etc. matter in the number 9 humor mix?


Concerning age, this princess was six years old when she thought the chef on Sesame Street who loudly and musically announced the number of pastries he made before tumbling down the stairs noisily with said pastries and clanging plates or a platter flying was quite hilarious. Wait, she still thinks that's funny.


So 9 splattering coconut cream pies is funny. Granted, coconut cream pies were attached, but it's something, and age didn't seem to matter. Granted again, the sample size is small. Oh yeah, we're talking humor not science and the two are generally mutually exclusive unless you're Bill Nye the Science Guy. The princess digresses....


The only gender factor with humor and the number 9 is that most women think men have the sense of humor of a nine year old boy. At least that's what Doug Colligan writes in this Reader's Digest article, "Why Women and Men Laugh Out Loud" (http://www.rd.com/content/printContent.do?contentId=44329&KeepThis=true&TB_iframe=true&height=500&width=790&modal=true). Yes, he cites some scientific studies so maybe humor and science aren't so mutually exclusive after all. Again the princess digresses...


9 pickles sounds funny, but then again aren't 6 pickles just as funny, maybe funnier? 9 Englebert Humperdincks are definitely funnier than 1 Englebert Humperdinck.


Thus, in addition to making a princess go "hmm" the number nine can be funny. Albeit, it's tied to slapstick, coconut cream pies, the maturity of the male sense of humor, pickles, and Englebert Humperdinck, but, hey, it's better than nothing. Nothing reminds one of zero. Hmmm, is zero funny?

#55

Frances Cole Jones, corporate coach and author of The Wow Factor, was writing about YouGov's published list of the "Ten Worst Business Phrases". She decided to make a list of her own. Here's the article: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/worklife/12/16/cb.worst.phrases.work/index.html.

This princess' favorite in Ms. Jones' list is "past history". Here's the corporate coach's rationale for her choice: "This one drives me wild every time I hear it, "Well, based on past history ..." History is, by definition, something that occurred in the past, so why on earth say "past"?" This princess may have some insight into why this phrase is used. The humans who use it feel it has a distinguishing capability. Since we all know history repeats, it's very important to separate "past history" from "present and future history".

It's interesting how pet peeves occur concerning words, phrases, and their usage . What may be correct and proper usage for one group is anathema for another. One woman's word trash is another man's treasure trove.

For example, this princess personally knows a heterosexual couple who together compiled a list of phrases "we will NEVER use". Two of the phrases were "It's all good" and "I hear you". It's perfectly understandable why they wouldn't as they have no real need for these phrases. Since necessity is the mother of invention, who NEEDS these phrases and WHY did they get invented?

In the case of "It's all good" and "I hear you", it's buddies who need this language, especially those involved in a bromance (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bromance). By definition, it's a non-sexual but intimate relationship between two or more men. So how do these men create heterosexually acceptable homointimacy? It's the phrases! They create "the bond". To illustrate this point, here's a hypothetical bromance version of "When Harry Met Sally", aptly titled "When Harry Met Sully". The caveat: the only similarity between the real vs. the hypothetical movie is the title. Here are a couple of sample scenes:

Scene 1: Harry and Sully are on the road in Harry's truck headed to a secret fishing destination.

Harry says, "Dang it Sully, I forgot the live bait. I just tied a new fly though."

Sully replies, "It's all good"

Thus, their friendship is strengthened while their fishing trip is also saved.

Scene 2: Harry and Sully are fishing.

While they quietly cast and reel in a fish or two, Sully pipes up, "Fishin's not too shabby today."

Harry replies, "I hear you".

The male bonding continues.

From these two scenes it's safe to say Harry and Sully are well on their way to a perfectly acceptable bromance while using perfectly acceptable phrases to get them there. Ain't life grand?

Thus, Ms. Cole Jones and discerning heterosexual couples everywhere may realize that the turn of a phrase may have an applicable direction to be turned other than down (pun totally intended). Form follows function in this life, the Universe, and everything.

#53

Motive is an interesting concept in this life, the Universe, and everything. So what prompted a driver to display an "I am still a virgin" bumper sticker on the tail end of an SUV? Speaking of tail and lack therof, what was the drive to display this information? And were any emotions involved? There was no punctuation to give hints so here are some thoughts:

They're proud and wanted to share - "Bully for me!!!!" (spoken in a bullish British accent)

They're unsatisfied and requesting help (listed phone number recommended).

They're surprised and exclaiming as in "I can't believe it's not butter!!!"

They're puzzled, the milder version of surprise - "Really? I am still a virgin? How did that happen.......or not?"

They're overwhelmed and pleading - "I am still a virgin and there are so many fish in the sea I just don't know where to begin!!"

They're angry and wanted to vent - "I am still a virgin and I darn well wouldn't be if it weren't for my face and awkward social skills!"

They're amused and wanted to spread the cheer - "I'm still a virgin. Isn't that hilarious? Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!"

Maybe they thought this was an interesting conversation piece...Or they knew some people keep a mental list of things that make us go 'hmmm'...Or they psychically tuned into this princess' desire to find interestingly curious human behavior and thought "I have just the thing for her!! I'll plant this bumper sticker on the tail of my SUV so she'll wonder about my motive for announcing my lack of tail". One never knows and maybe that's half the fun!!

#52

The astute may have noticed a long absence. As we all encounter in this life, the Universe, and everything this princess has suffered a personal tragedy. Alyssa, a very close friend of the family and bright young woman who was an actress and comedian passed away unexpectedly from complications of leukemia and pneumonia on September 1st, 2009 at the age of 19. She had been battling cancer since the end of December 2008. This post is to honor her, another comic princess who now tickles the funny bones of the angels. Here's an off-the-cuff improv video performance recorded in the summer of 2008:

She is missed dearly by her family and friends. Thankfully her humor lives on.

#54

"5 a Day" is an American saying to help folks remember to eat right. However, it's sorely lacking in marketing skills. Where's the sizzle in that phrase? It's competing against some great jingles. Even in the old days Dunkin' Donuts had a slam dunk (pun intended) with the happy tune "Give somebody Dunkin' Donuts...get some lovin' back". This princess would pick lovin' over 5 a day any day in this life, the Universe, and everything. So how can we bring back the sizzle and make good nutrition fo shizzle? Here are some possibilities:

• Bring the sexy back - not that it was ever there in nutritional food, but ya gotta start somewhere. Here's a sample: "Bone up on bone health with these sultry sardines. They're so luscious you'll be screaming for more!" Yeah, that's the ticket.


• Create an air of mystery: "On a dark and stormy night as a wolf howled furtively at the moon, the mangoes arrived at the scene of the crime."


• Create a sense of adventure: "Look at those carrots rappelling down that cliff!!! I want one!"


• Create a sense of vivaciousness: "Turnips have such verve! Try one today!"

So there may be hope to spice up the enticement for good nutrition. Little do Americans realize there may be a sultry sardine, mysterious mango, adventurous carrot, or a turnip with verve lurking in their kitchen!

#51

Sense and sensibility; sense and sensitivity; sensei, sensibility, and sensitivity - yes, it's amazing what a little vowel and consonant placement will create in this life, the Universe, and everything. Associations and connotations change. Vowels and consonants in the mix:

• Does a sensei with sensibility and sensitivity really give 2 cents? What's the sense in that?
• Sled and sledge are one and the same thing. Sled is American and sledge is British. They're both sleighs, except sledge sounds like it rammed into a piece of gooey fudge at the bottom of the hill. America 1 Britain 0.
• With salability the question is "Can we sell it?" while sanability asks "Can we cure it?". Well, yeah if it's cowhide.

Fun with wordplay, connotations, and associations - what more could a princess ask for? A lot actually, but this one knows that too much royal haughtiness invites instant humility. It's inadvisable to ask Marie Antoinette her opinion on the matter as she lost her head over it.

#50

The number 50 is an interesting number in this life, the Universe, and everything. It is a milestone number in various ways. Let us count them:

• The 50th wedding anniversary is the "Golden Anniversary" while Simon and Garfunkel advise that there are "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover". Is this a golden opportunity?
• A Wikianswer states the number 50 represents power and celebration in the Bible. So that's why some women call hot flashes power surges!
• Wikipedia says "Fifty is the smallest number that can be written as the sum of two squares in two distinct ways: 50 = 12 + 72 = 52 + 52". So when this princess turns 50 can she say "It's hip to be square!"?

The fun of fifty - is it endless? It is when a person hits sixty, but then a new door opens to another kind of fun. Though the decade changes at least the fun can be never ending!

#49

Demiurge, demitasse, Demi Moore: what do these nouns have in common beside "demi"? In this life, the Universe, and everything the definition of demiurge is funny in and of itself. Check it out:


–noun
1. Philosophy.
a. Platonism. the artificer of the world.
b. (in the Gnostic and certain other systems) a supernatural being imagined as creating or fashioning the world in subordination to the Supreme Being, and sometimes regarded as the originator of evil.
2. (in many states of ancient Greece) a public official or magistrate.


So politicians fall next in line after the originator of evil...hmmm. So if guilty by association is the order of the day, is it evil to drink a demitasse? But then again demitasse in French literally means half-cup so does this free associate to "half-urge" in English; thus, making public officials (in the Greek sense anyway) only half evil? And where does Demi Moore figure into all this? Since "half" is a connection, let's go with Demi and numbers in her life. Well, she did cut her birth name in half by the number of letters (Demetria = 8; Demi = 4----> 8 * 1/2 = 4!). Sometimes we just gotta do the math! And no, Ashton isn't half her age. Betcha thought that was the tack!

So words, meanings, connections, associations - free, guilty, or otherwise all contribute to the fun. All this talk has given this princess a demiurge for a blueberry sweet treat. Since it's only half evil via justification by semi-analytical rationalization she'll thoroughly enjoy it!

#48

A euphemism is a way to say something nicely in this life, the Universe, and everything. It's a kinder, gentler, more indirect way to describe a person, situation, or anything, really, than to call a spade a spade. Speaking of that, Bob Barker would remind you to spay or neuter your pets at this point, but since he retired this princess will ask "Have you thought of pet care lately?"

Some possible euphemisms:

• A "person of ill repute" is a nice way of calling someone a skank.
• He "passed away" is so much nicer than "he croaked".
• She "tripped the light fantastic" is a gentle description of - wait, what does that mean?! Oh it's about being a nimble dancer! What's so unpleasant about that?! This situation then needs to be described as "disappointing" rather than an "epic fail"!

So when one is out in polite, genteel society it's a good idea to keep a clever euphemism in one's back pocket, at hand, or up one's sleeve as the case may warrant. One never knows when he needs to describe delicately!

#47

Variety is the spice of life. Language is one of the spices in this life, the Universe, and everything. Here are some curious examples:

• One can either have peace of mind or give someone a piece of their mind (that'd be tricky especially with no prior surgical experience).
• The glass is half full or half empty is irrelevant to certain mothers, "Just drink it! There are starving kids in Africa!"
• "Never say never" is a common phrase that's already contradicted itself twice.
• If someone wants to "throw his weight around" does he have to "get his pound of flesh" first?

Though no specific spicy language is used above, variety is present. Thus, by association the spice of life is as well. Ah yes, language peppered with some sort of analysis. Yum! Yum!

#46

Good vs. evil, balancing the yin and yang, embracing the dark side, sinners and saints are all concepts that boggle the mind. Sometimes a girl just can't keep up! What does it all mean? What is our meaning and purpose? This princess is indebted to Douglas Adams. His supercomputer character, Deep Thought discovered after 7 1/2 million years of computing that the answer to The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 42. Sadly, The Ultimate Question is still unknown. Thankfully though, curious minds can still explore and ask. Thankfully also, ALL can be explored. From the intense to the inane, inquiring minds want to know. Hey, it beats being mired in existential angst! So what are some possibilities for The Ultimate Question?

1. What does 6x7 equal?
2. In his song, Blowin' In the Wind, Bob Dylan asked, "How many roads must a man walk down/Before you call him a man?"
3. If a woman was born in 1967, how old will she be in 2009?

42 is the plausible answer to all of these Ultimate Questions. However, the woman in Ultimate Question #3 may have her own solution. So there's actual hope for those pondering life and all its questions whether ultimate or not so. Now finding it may be another matter! Hope! Hope! Here Hope! Where are you?!

#45

This princess believes she doesn't like the new American dating rules (or lack thereof) in this life, the Universe, and everything. It used to be the men would court the women and they'd have the nerve to initiate the process, but nowadays it seems the men have no nerve other than to stare. How can the modern male be helped to start the chase? Here are some possible solutions:

• They could mimic the outspread wing stance of the wandering albatross. That'll get a girl's attention.
• They could don a foreign accent. True story: One drunk Englishman told this princess his accent is a "babe magnet".
• They could show their feminine side and ask for help. The grocery store is a great place to start. Once the attractive lady is spotted the suitor sidles up to her and asks, "Do you think I should get these non-organic grapes? Does the good of the flavanoids outweigh the bad of the sulfites?" She'll admire his nutritional knowledge and be pleased by his deference to her own keen sense of nutrition. It's win-win!

So there's help and hope out there for the American male who has failure to launch issues. Think of the possiblities guys!

#44

Saving face - now that's an interesting phrase in this life, the Universe, and everything. What are we saving our faces for anyway? A rainy day? You mean we can't use them in the here and now? And what about other interesting phrases? Here are some to ponder:

• "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched" --> Actually, they're eggs so there you go!


• "Making whoopie" --> This one is actually incomplete. It should read "making whoopie pies", which, actually, is not enigmatic at all. Mmmm whoopie pies!


• Though "tripping the light fantastic" was used disappointingly in the previous post, this princess will attempt to "save face" by discussing it again. Okay, so it's a way of saying someone is "light on his toes" or dances nimbly, but who knows, the 1960s hippies may have had their own definition!

Interesting phrases make language interesting to say the least. Enough said.

#43

Men, women, friendship, family, faith, and country are all examples of entities to whom humans can express love in this life, the Universe, and everything. Songs have sung the praises of love, mostly of the romantic variety. Here are some titles:

• "Love is a many splendored thing" --> Surprise runs amok in the marketing world that the Splenda brand hasn't capitalized on this song. Then again, maybe not.


• "All you need is love" --> Tell that to the unemployed guy who owes 2 months back rent.


• "Love lifts us up where we belong" --> Will it work for females with gravity issues?


• "Baby I love your way" --> Remember that when she insists on another addition to the house!

Though romantic love songs can clash with some hard situations of life, it doesn't stop them from being written or sung. As the title of Sister Maura Eichner's poetry book suggests Hope is a Blind Bard. This princess says "keep on singing"!