#62

This princess DID fall into a black hole for a month - that is, if it fits the description of sunny Maine beaches; digging new gardens; and, creating new stone pathways at her royal palace. There's no fear of getting down and dirty here since the black hole was actually many dirt holes.

And speaking of dirt! No there is none. Except in the yard. But that's already covered.

Affinity for gardens and sentence fragments aside, a new creation has evolved from the royally distracted by beautiful summer weather mind. Here it is:

Untitled (For cool effect)

Dogma, dogma

everywhere!

Dogma here!

Dogma there!

Dogma sitting

on the train;

and, sitting,

in my brain!

We can laugh at

this refrain.

Dogma - it's

just silly...plain!

Food for thought and extreme silliness all rolled up in one yummy ball. Don't ya just wish you could eat it? Maybe not. Carry on!!

#61

No, this princess hasn't fallen into a black hole or the nearest facsimile, her purse. She's just been taking a break from blogging. No one real excuse exists, but there could be some fun making some up. Here are some possibile princess shenanigans:



She got thinking about the X-Files claim that "THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE". So she went searching. It took her quite awhile but she found it: hiding behind the dumpster at McDonald's. It seems the truth has a penchant for dumpster diving.


She researched conspiracy theories for official adoption. It might be nice to add some variety to the personal ideology mix. After careful consideration, she adopted the government mind control theory. She also chose a plan of action to "foil their plot" and bought into the aluminum foil deflector beanie plan. Gotta keep safe from those government mind control rays: http://zapatopi.net/afdb/!!!


She heard that Chivalry is dead. No "Chivalry" came up on her Google obit searches. Since she couldn't find the answer on the interweb then it must be false ;) But then a search for "Chivalry is dead" yielded a resultant claim of "chivalry is dead and women killed it". It? This princess thought it was some celebrity chick who bit the dust! It's not totally implausible. Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter, Apple.


So these are small, slacker stories of possible princess whereabouts and goings on. Hey, their her stories and she's stickin' to 'em!!

#60

Word selection and usage is so interesting to this princess. There is a fond remembrance of how swiftly and deftly she attempted to advance her high school theater career when she oh-so-politically-and-correctly asked the director if any of the plays would interfere with the basketball games she played. Yeah..."smooth move ex-lax!". Good thing PR wasn't on her career list of things to do.


Speaking of careers, even princessdom has it's boring days so a perusal of potential professions was in order. Speaking of PR as well, there was hope for interesting possibilities on the word selection and usage front.


Helen Ziegler & Associates definitely didn't disappoint in their maneuvers to entice registered nurses to work in Saudi Arabia. In addressing the personal safety issue, they stated that the Western compounds where North American and European nurses live had "occasional terrorist attacks" but "violence is far less than one would find in a city of comparable size in the United States or Canada". Somehow still stuck on the phrase "occasional terrorist attacks", but others may be feeling the warm, fuzzy thoughts of personal safety due to Ziegler's relativity theory.


Speaking of relativity, don't relatives, and humans in general say the darndest things? Here's a comment posing as a compliment: "You're not as fat as you used to be". Gee thanks.


It appears interesting word choices aren't limited to individuals and web content. A couple of minor political parties were called "Locofocos" and "Coodies". Was health care reform in their party platforms?

Ah, yes the beautiful word choices make life so interesting. N'est-ce pas?

#59

"I just met a wonderful new man. He's fictional but you can't have everything." Cecilia in The Purple Rose of Cairo.


Her fictional man surely had a great pick-up line to entice her into romance. If popular protagonists were able to leap off the page or screen, what would their lines be? Here are some possibilities:

Superman: "They don't call me the Man of Steel for nothing!"

Captain Kirk: "I will boldy go where no man has gone before."

Hamlet: "To be or not to be - that is the question, but it's not the ONLY question. What are you doing Saturday night?"

Pandora: "Wanna play with my box?"

Medusa: "Whaddya think of my killer looks?"

Batman: "Come check out my pole in the Bat Cave"

Moby Dick: "Enough said. Oh wait, I'm a whale..."

A text from Peter Pan: "Hey baby. I can make you fly ;)"

Aphrodite: "I'm not too shabby on the half shell. I am the goddess of love and horniness after all....just sayin' "

Winnie the Pooh: "How about a taste 'o honey, honey? Oh wait, I'm a teddy bear..."

Big Brother: "I like to watch."

Harry Potter: "I can do wonderful things with my wand."

Tigger:  "I'm bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!!!! Oh wait, I'm a tiger who's really a plushie in a little boy's bedroom...."

Thing (Ben Grimm of the Fantastic Four): "Why do you think they call me Thing? Do the descriptions "superhuman endurance" and "stone-like flesh" mean anything to you?"

Human Torch (Johnny Storm of The Fantastic Four): "I'm hot"

Eeyore: "I'm an ass. Don't bother."

#58

"Lost in translation" is an interesting phrase . But what about comedy in translation? Here are two possibilities:

"Diderot dîne sur les dents d'un dindon". This French tongue twister means "Diderot dines on the teeth of a turkey". Yum! Or was that "Diderot dîne sur le dos d'un dindon"? Diderot dines on the back of a turkey. This seems implausible as a turkey could never hold the weight of both Diderot and the dining table plus silver and glassware!! Something got lost before translation.

"Ben jo" is the Japanese word for toilet and sounds like the English word "banjo" so don't go singing "For I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee" in Tokyo unless you're into funny looks.


Language isn't the only thing that gets lost in translation. Fashion does after so many years - just think of the mullet. Actually, let's not.


Hair wasn't the only regrettable thing in the '80s. Somehow neon green, yellow, orange, and magenta replaced the warmth in the color wheel. It was as if  '60s psychedelia got horribly sick! Why did so many princesses try to discover if they were an "autumn", "spring", "summer", or "winter" when fashion upchuck was splattered everywhere?


It's definitely a good thing '80s fashion got lost, period, never mind any mention of translating it! Certain things need to be left undecipherable. Though many princesses wonder, "What were we thinking?"


So words, fashion, foreign languages, and the '80s can be oh so confusing to the best of us. It's so easy to get lost without even beginning translation!

#57

An interesting concept is that of indebtedness. The most well known aspect is financial debt. It could all start with college debt. Then there are the little things that keep it there or worse, increase it: unexpected car repairs, a dental bill, the con artist boyfriend. Yeah, the little things.


Indebtedness to ex-boyfriends who've taught painful lessons isn't normally on a princess' gratitude list. Learning curves are good though, especially if a woman is teaching a man hers.


So with lessons learned, this princess thought she might venture into the kingdom of Internet dating. What the heck, she might learn something from this foray into mostly uncharted territory.


Imagine her frustration on day one when she discovered so few choices for body type description. She was hoping there was one for a "bodacious babe-a-licious" body, but alas, no such good fortune occurred. Instead there were only choices that her scouts already forewarned her were just code for the REAL body type. Here are some examples:


Athletic = flat                           Voluptuous = fat                  A few extra pounds = DEFINITELY fat
Slim = flat                                 Curvy = fat
Slender = flat                           Average = fat    


What's a princess to do? Leave it blank and post a couple of pics.


Another issue with Internet dating today is the men want to jump into bed as quickly as possible. This probably hasn't changed throughout the ages, but whatever happened to good old-fashioned wooing? A nice slow woo can be a very good thing. Savor all those moments. Chivalry isn't dead so maybe wooing can be revived.


Perhaps there are men out there with wooing skills. If not, then perchance there is at least one malleable subject.


In the search for a trainable wooer, the first thing learned was that humor may not be a good teaching tool. In attempting to influence the subject into a more wooing stance it may not be advisable to ask "Are you sure you want to have sex on the second date? I could be a psycho hose beast ya know."


It may also be advisable to know the difference between gentle wooing vs. going for the down and dirty. Thus, a princess can accurately assess the situation then instruct accordingly. Here are a couple of signs that he's not gently wooing you:

• You need a pair of forceps to remove his tongue from the depths of your throat
• You need a crowbar to pry his hands off your arse

Also, it's always good for any princess to assess whether the subject in question is right for her. If he's not right for her then training is irrelevant. Here are a couple of hints a subject isn't right for the prospective trainer:

• Constant hellish nightmares that peak in his presence
• Constant wretching that peaks in his presence

A princess needs to pay attention to those little hints. It saves time and heartache.

Indebtedness to past experiences is a good thing. One can know what she wants for future reference and apply it to new situations. Now on to find a wonderful wooer....

#56

This princess loves the quirky little things in life, especially the ones that make her brain go "hmm". Last year she logged onto Google on 09/09/09 and at 0909 military time (9:09 a.m. for you civilians). Under the Google logo, she saw 09/09/09 on the left and 09:09:09 on the right. All these nines add up to 54 and 5+4=9! Hmmm......



The Google search engine reveals a plenitude of possible meanings and symbolism of the number nine among which many humans can derive a perspective that brings meaning to their lives. If one has a suspicious perspective, any number of conspiracy theories could be found. On an inspirational note, different religions and life philosophies have different attributes for the number 9.


So what does all this have to do with humor? Nothing, really.

Or is there something? Can the number 9 really be funny? Do human demographics such as age, gender, etc. matter in the number 9 humor mix?


Concerning age, this princess was six years old when she thought the chef on Sesame Street who loudly and musically announced the number of pastries he made before tumbling down the stairs noisily with said pastries and clanging plates or a platter flying was quite hilarious. Wait, she still thinks that's funny.


So 9 splattering coconut cream pies is funny. Granted, coconut cream pies were attached, but it's something, and age didn't seem to matter. Granted again, the sample size is small. Oh yeah, we're talking humor not science and the two are generally mutually exclusive unless you're Bill Nye the Science Guy. The princess digresses....


The only gender factor with humor and the number 9 is that most women think men have the sense of humor of a nine year old boy. At least that's what Doug Colligan writes in this Reader's Digest article, "Why Women and Men Laugh Out Loud" (http://www.rd.com/content/printContent.do?contentId=44329&KeepThis=true&TB_iframe=true&height=500&width=790&modal=true). Yes, he cites some scientific studies so maybe humor and science aren't so mutually exclusive after all. Again the princess digresses...


9 pickles sounds funny, but then again aren't 6 pickles just as funny, maybe funnier? 9 Englebert Humperdincks are definitely funnier than 1 Englebert Humperdinck.


Thus, in addition to making a princess go "hmm" the number nine can be funny. Albeit, it's tied to slapstick, coconut cream pies, the maturity of the male sense of humor, pickles, and Englebert Humperdinck, but, hey, it's better than nothing. Nothing reminds one of zero. Hmmm, is zero funny?